


Better Than Being Alone

by DenDragon14



Series: Aftermath [2]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Crying, Emotional Constipation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Found Family, Gen, Implied Attraction, Implied Relationships, M/M, Men Crying, Multi, Nightmares, One Shot Collection, Other, Self-Indulgent, Sharing a Bed, The Author Regrets Everything, The Author Regrets Nothing, Touch-Starved, polyamory (kinda)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-05
Updated: 2020-10-05
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:28:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26693722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DenDragon14/pseuds/DenDragon14
Summary: It has been several months since Axel's brothers deaths, so why are his dreams haunted by their ghosts now of all times? The past two months his sleep has been consistently interrupted and riddled with nightmares. Keechie, being his roommate for the time being, took notice of this and decided to try his best to give comfort however he could.Axel supposed that although the help was foreign, it wasn't unwelcome.
Relationships: Axel & Keechie (Umbrella Academy), Axel/ Keechie (if you squint), Axel/Keechie (Umbrella Academy), Keechie & Axel & Jill (Umbrella Academy), Keechie/Jill (Umbrella Academy)
Series: Aftermath [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1918996
Kudos: 18





	Better Than Being Alone

**Author's Note:**

> I honestly don't know why this took forever... Anyways, please enjoy this addition! I tried my best on this but I honestly don't think it meets my standards. Apologies if there are any typos. I tried hard to override my perfectionism and believe me, it was really hard.

He woke with a gasp, drenched in a cold sweat. Forcing himself into a sitting position, he slipped his legs over the side of the bed so they rested on the fuzzy carpet of the bedroom floor. His heart raced, pounding against his ribs as though there was a hummingbird flitting about in his chest cavity. He wiped the sweat from his forehead and steadily and slowly got to his feet so as to not disturb Keechie by the jostling of the mattress.  
  
This was the seventh time in two months that this had happened and he’d just about had enough of his subconscious playing tricks on him which caused him to have some of the most disturbing, skin-crawling dreams in his life. He didn’t understand why there was such a delay in these dreams; it would have made more sense to have them when the death of Otto and Oscar was still fresh. He assumed however that his brain had been in shock and unable to process the information at the time. The images that raced behind his closed eyelids followed him into his waking hours and it was affecting him in seemingly all planes of his life.  
  
He noticed how the other members of Destiny’s Children stayed further away from him than normal; he understood that he could look pretty menacing normally but he noticed how they all flinched if he even looked in their direction. By now, winter had made its presence known, having swept Autumn up under the carpet as the trees started to drop leaves and a cold temperature appeared and stayed as October rolled around. They were still somewhere in the southern parts of the states, so there was no snow, and if it did snow, it never lasted long.  
  
However, despite the lack of snow, the weather had grown colder and the trees were stripped bare quickly, their leaves easily scattered and piling on the ground. The change in weather didn’t help with his mood. He thought the cold might actually do him so good in keeping him awake, but instead, it just made him more miserable, longing to be indoors near a warm fire; the idea alone made him want to sleep, but he knew that even in such a cozy setting, the nightmares would still follow. It seemed like he could find no peace of mind from his own mind.

* * *

He wasn’t sure how to express his concern to Axel. Over the past month, he noticed that there was something off about the man. He seemed more withdrawn than normal, more irritable than normal too. Keechie was surprised that no one had been hurt yet by merely being in the man’s way. Over the last few weeks or so, Keechie had been woken from a dead sleep by the sound of Axel gasping, followed by the soft click of the door as he left the room. More often than not, he didn’t return until well after sunrise. Or on some days, Keechie didn’t see the man until the sun was already set below the horizon.  
  
When he wasn’t out with the others, spreading their want for peace and love to others in the nearby towns, Keechie found himself often floating amongst all their people, making sure that each of them was content and that there were no major problems that needed to be resolved. With him filling the role while the Prophet was absent, Keechie was responsible to make sure that all of Destiny's Children were cared for. And that now included Axel too.  
  
Even though he was a newcomer and Keechie knew well enough that the man still felt uncomfortable around the others, he was a part of Destiny's Children, even if he still didn't blend in well enough with the others. Just because he didn't truly fit with the whole did not make him any less worthy to be cared for. If anything, Keechie thought that Axel needed a little more looking after since he was the black sheep among the flock; since the day he'd invited the quiet, blond-haired stranger aboard the bus, Keechie thought he seemed a little lost. So, he'd try and play the role of the shepherd as best he could and keep all the flock together, no matter the color of their wool.   
  
He just wasn't sure how to go about trying to lead Axel, so to speak. Although lost in his path of life, the man seemed reluctant to admit such a thing. And compared to the rest of Destiny's Children, he hid behind strong mental walls, and this intrigued Keechie all the more since he wanted to see what was behind those walls. Otherwise, it felt more like he was interacting with a robot, and not a human being since Axel seemed so unwilling to express how he felt about anything. It was somewhat sad to see if he needed to be honest. 

Of the few that stayed in the house with the old couple that owned the ranch, Axel was always one of the last ones to return. With the days becoming shorter, the sun had set below the horizon by five o'clock and the sky was an oceanic navy color, just before it plunged into pitch blackness. From out the kitchen window, he could see the small lights of lanterns that the Children used in their tents they had set up about the property.

The rush of a cold wind dragged him back to the present as the cold brushed against his skin, leaving behind a trail of goosebumps. Axel walked in and shut the door promptly behind him, barricading the harsh of approaching winter chill outside.

"Getting awfully cold out these nights, isn't it?" Keechie asked. He hadn't been out much that day, but when the sun was lowest in the sky was when he found it coldest, a sure sign that winter's first snowfall was near. Axel hummed in agreeance as he shrugged out of his coat and slung it over his shoulder. His cheeks were rosy from the wind whipping against his face and Keechie could smell the cold air on him.

Because the number ratio of people to bathrooms was quite lopsided, the majority of Destiny's Children bathed in small groups, or, when the weather had been warmer, had set up an outdoor communal shower near the barn. Now though, with winter settling in, showering outdoors had become more than unpleasant. It was just asking for hyperthermia. There was no concrete schedule, it was first come, first serve. However, _most_ of the members of Destiny's Children didn't have an issue if people walked in on them or they went in small little groups to save time.  
  
“I think the upstairs bathroom is free. Gives you the opportunity to take a shower, warm yourself up.”

Axel glanced up at him, as he unlaced his boots.  
"Sounds like a good opportunity," he muttered. He kicked off his boots, picked them up by the laces, and nodded in thanks and quietly headed up the stairs.

* * *

Axel did as Keechie suggested, grateful for the opportunity to be alone, although he'd been alone with his thoughts perhaps a bit too much lately. As the hot water sprayed down on him, he mulled over the remnants of the nightmares he'd had last night. He still didn't know what caused them since there were some nights where dreamland was simple, never-ending blackness. He preferred those compared to the dreams that were overly detailed and noisy and filled his heart with a sense of dread.  
  
He dressed in a loose pair of leisure pants and returned to the bedroom he was currently sharing with Keechie. The light in the room was dim, a piece of low, trance-like music played from a record player in the corner. He dropped his boots at the foot of the bed and hung up his clothes that could be used tomorrow and tossed the laundry into the hamper. He turned to leave, only to nearly run the shorter man over as a coffee mug was forced into his hands.  
  
"Drink up."  
  
“What is this?” he asked, suspicious of the liquid inside.  
  
“Chamomile tea,” he replied. “It is commonly used to help aid one in relaxation and sleep.”  
  
Axel handed the cup back over and shook his head. “No thank you.” Keechie pushed it back towards him, going as far as to grab one of his hands, forcing Axel to grab the mug otherwise it would have fallen and shattered upon the floor.  
  
"No, really. I insist. You look like you could use it."  
  
Reluctantly, Axel took it and sipped at the tea, surprised that it wasn't entirely terrible in flavor. Keechie sat down on the bed and patted the spot next to him, motioning for Axel to come and sit. Axel wasn’t quite sure where Keechie was going with this. The man had some strange ideas from time to time that involved numerous methods on how to relax. More often than not, because they were rooming together, Axel made a perfect guinea pig to test whatever new relaxation methods the man had become fixated on.  
  
Just as forcefully as the cup had been shoved into his hands, Keechie pulled the mug from his hands and placed it on the bedside table. He placed a hand on Axel's shoulder and gently pulled him down so that his head rested in Keechie's lap. Axel didn't resist, knowing well enough that Keechie was a stubborn individual.  
  
“Is this okay?” Good touch was still a thing he was getting used to, although he’d grown somewhat comfortable with Keechie. Axel shrugged and muttered an affirmative. Keechie placed a hand on his fist and gently tugged at his fingers until he uncurled his fist. “Relax. Loosen your muscles and breath deeply in and out.” It was strangely calming yet there was a small part of him that was rebelling deep within and he found himself sitting up as this small rebellious part made his innards squirm uncomfortably.  
  
“How is this helpful?” he asked, turning and glancing at the man. “What are you practicing now?”  
  
Keechie sighed. “Axel, I know you’ve been having troubled sleep the last month or so. I wish to help you but I’m not sure how to proceed.” Axel refrained from sighing in return; he’d grown to like Keechie, he would even say that the man was a friend, but sometimes his urge to want to help others bothered Axel. He assumed it was because not many people in his life had ever offered help when they could see Axel needed it. And with how he and his brothers had grown up, he’d refused any and all help that was offered. Their father had labeled it as a weakness and of course, their father hadn’t wanted weak sons.  
  
“Sorry for being a bother. My dreams have been giving me grief.” Keechie grabbed him by the shoulders and gently pushed him back down so that his head rested in Keechie’s lap.  
  
“You’re never a bother. I like to offer my help. Tell me, what are these dreams about?” Axel clenched his hands into fists before forcing them to uncurl lest he started drawing blood.  
  
“Mina bröder," he murmured. “My...brothers.”  
  
“Tell me about them.” It was an innocent statement, not a demand. For a long moment, Axel contemplated whether or not he wanted to talk. But from what he knew about Keechie, the man had the patience of a saint, so he could be lying here for a very long time.  
  
He was slow to talk about his brothers, mostly because an invisible clamp enclosed around his throat at the mere thought of their names while an onslaught of memories reeled through his mind moments before their deaths. However, once the clamp around his throat started to loosen ever so slightly, words just poured out from him, as though an emotional dam had burst inside him. Most of his rambling was in English, however, every now and then, some things just were a lot easier for him to say in Swedish since the correct English words escaped him.  
  
And all the while, Keechie just listened, only stopping him briefly for clarification at the parts where he diverted back to his native tongue. And even though there was a small voice inside himself that was yelling to _stop_ _talking_ , that he was sharing way too much information, Axel appreciated that the man was willing to listen; the majority of his life, Axel was often the listener, so it was nice for a chance to have someone listen to him. As he talked, he found that this heavy, invisible weight that had seemingly been resting both in and on his chest seemed to lessen greatly to the point where it seemed much easier to draw in a breath.

Keechie continued to stroke gently through his hair while the other hand rubbed at the still tense muscles in his neck. That, combined with the warm shower, the chamomile tea, and the quiet, odd music playing in the background had a calming wave wash over him. It was strange, and the part of him that wanted him to shut up was rather scared by this sudden feeling of calmness  
  
He wasn't quite sure when he drifted off to sleep.

* * *

He woke to a soft morning light shining in through the window; thankfully the blinds were closed this time so the sunlight wasn’t blinding him. He didn’t even remember when he’d stopped talking and fallen asleep. The last thing he remembered was telling Keechie about Oscar and Otto while the man petted his hair and clung to every word. His dreams were muddled and clouded, although he didn’t remember any horrible specifics like he normally did. He supposed that that was a bit of an improvement compared to waking drenched in a cold sweat as his mind spun with horrific, bloody images of his brothers’ corpses. Instead, he actually felt somewhat rested. Not well-rested but it was enough, much better than the sleep he’d had all month.  
  
He propped himself up onto his elbows, ready to raise himself into a sitting position, only to realize that he was not alone in the bed. Jill laid next to him. When she’d entered the room, he wasn’t sure but it had to be after he’d fallen asleep. She was still asleep, one arm loosely draped over Axel’s waist. On his other side, there was an empty place where he guessed that Keechie had slept. The covers were thrown back and the smaller man's presence wasn’t in the room.  
  
She smiled at him sleepily and rolled onto her back and rubbed the sleep from her eyes.  
  
“Good morning.”  
  
He nodded in acknowledgment but refrained from saying anything. He didn’t know Jill too well other than the fact that there seemed to be something going on between her and Keechie, and whether their bond was romantic or platonic was unknown to him. He tried to ignore the strong urge to get out of the bed; it felt highly improper to be in bed with a woman he barely knew, as well as someone’s potential lover but stayed where he sat because he knew that both Keechie and Jill probably could’ve cared less about their sleeping arrangements.  
  
But before he could make a move to get out of the bed, the door opened up, revealing Keechie holding a breakfast tray in hand, three drinks placed upon its center.  
  
“Good morning,” Keechie exclaimed, a bright smile upon his face. “I hope you both slept well.” He placed the breakfast tray in his hands near the end of the bed and handed him one of the drinks that rested upon it and offered another glass to Jill. “Drink this,” he said as he offered the glass out to him. “It will give you a lift in your energy.” Axel stared at the drink for a moment, suspicious of its bright purple color before he took a sip from it. It was sweet, not overly so, but exceptionally fruity tasting.  
  
With Jill on one side of the bed and Keechie on the other, Axel suddenly felt trapped. To think that they’d probably both been watching him sleep and actually _snuggling_ with him while he slept….How embarrassing. He slowly sipped at the strange purple smoothie he'd been offered as he debated about leaving the room. He was only dressed in a pair of casual pants and he didn't fancy walking around outside without a jacket or shoes. He supposed he could stay inside the walls of the ranch house, but then space was very limited and certainly not enough if he intended to avoid people.  
  
“Keechie told me a bit about your brothers,” Jill said softly, breaking the silence between the three and drawing him out of his thoughts. “They passed close together. You must miss them horribly.” If this was some ploy to get him to express himself more, the less he said the better. The less Jill and Keechie said, the better too. Both of them were too good with their words, much better than Axel had ever been; they both seemed to have a way of digging deeper, turning the gears in his heart loose until all his bottled emotions spilled out. It seemed like they purposefully searched for chinks in his armor so they could mortally wound him, metaphorically speaking, and force him to spill emotions like they were his intestines.  
  
Yes, he’d spewed a bunch of information about his brothers to Keechie, and at the time, it had taken away a large, unpleasant weight but now he wished he could take it all back and shove all his problems and emotions back in their metaphorical bottles. That was there they belonged. But he guessed that since Jill mentioned his brothers meant that Keechie had told her at least some of his story; now having two people who knew something about his personal life disturbed him. It made his skin itch and crawl as though there were bugs scurrying about underneath. It made him feel undeniably vulnerable, as though he were standing completely nude in public. Axel shifted to the edge of the bed and slung his feet over the side so his feet rested on the worn carpet of the room.  
  
“You’re uncomfortable.” It wasn't a question. He nodded slightly, his body stiff. If he wasn’t leaning towards leaving he definitely was now. From the subtle shift in Jill’s sitting position, it was enough to tell him that they wanted to get all touchy-feely on him and he just didn’t have the patience for it; once a month was enough. He hadn't had any heartfelt moments since he'd blown up on Keechie His emotions had been teased out enough last night, he didn’t need to have them pulled out again so soon.  
  
“Don’t be,” she said reassuringly, placing a hand on his shoulder. “Keechie didn’t tell me much of anything, other than that your brothers had passed. I just think that that is a very large burden to bear alone.”  
  
 _Alone_.  
  
That word resonated and echoed loudly in his ears and bounced around in his head. When he thought about it, which wasn’t often, he was still alone. Surrounded by people on this ranch and he was still alone when it came down to it. And along with this came the sense of loneliness. In the months he'd spent here, he had yet to truly connect with any of the members of Destiny's Children other than Keechie. Yes, Jill was correct. It was a large burden to bear and he kept it clammed up for nearly six months without telling a single soul.  
  
She placed her drink back on the breakfast tray and slid closer to him so she could look him in the eyes. “You don’t have to handle it alone. Keechie and I would be more than happy to help you through this difficult time.”  
  
More offers to help him; why did the members of Destiny's Children have to be so nice? If he wasn't so emotionally exhausted, he'd be There was a small pit deep inside that burned with anger, but it was quickly extinguished by an exhausted sadness as he mulled over her words in his head. His vision was blurred by tears as sprung to his eyes. Damn emotions.  
  
Keechie clasped Axel's hands within his own. "Axel, I hope you understand that you don't have to struggle alone. That I believe would only cause you more grief and suffering."  
  
“Ja, jag förstår." He knew well enough that it was normal for humans to have emotions, but he sometimes wished he didn’t have any. He supposed that the desire to be emotionless at times stemmed from the memories he had of his father and the ruthless manner in which he’d run the household. The man had been physically abusive if he saw Axel or either of his brothers showing any type of “improper” emotion, which tended to be most of them. In regards to what the old man “punished” him, Otto, and Oscar for, almost everything, but especially crying or showing any type of weakness.  
  
“I also hope you know that your family would not want to see you so sad and troubled. I don’t believe their spirits would be at peace knowing they left you in such a horrible state,” Keechie said. He grabbed Axel’s face and lifted his head so their eyes met. Keechie’s hands upon Axel’s face were gentle, yet they managed to be both soft and rough simultaneously. It reminded him so much of how his mother used to hold his face the same way; it was how she grabbed and maintained his attention when she had something important to say. It was also the last gesture of affection he remembered receiving before she passed away.  
  
That thought alone allowed a long-hidden sadness to bloom in his chest that caused to shudder as he inhaled deeply. Keechie’s thumbs rubbed away the sudden tears that managed to escape and fall down his face. “Axel...there is nothing wrong with emotions. It is healthy to express them. It does no good to bottle them up and hide them away. You need to remember that.”  
  
Jill kissed him on the shoulder and wrapped her arms around his neck and rested her chin on his shoulder. “You can think of us like family, can’t you? I know we’d never replace your brothers but found family is better than being alone, right?”  
  
Keechie kissed him on the forehead. “Yes, a found family. That’s a good way to put it, Jill.”  
  
A found family? He wasn’t familiar with that term, but if he had to make an educated guess, he would say that it was a group of individuals that were not related by blood but yet had a connection like a family-related by blood should.  
  
“Ja,” he muttered, his lip lifting up into the weakest of smiles. Of course, no one could ever replace his brothers, or even his parents, although Axel had been nothing but relieved when his old man bit the dust. And although he didn’t have his brothers by his side anymore, having these two was preferred over having no one; having Keechie and Jill as members of a found family--his found family--- was much, much better than being alone any day of the week.

**Author's Note:**

> If you enjoyed this, feel free to leave kudos, comments, constructive criticism, or feedback. It is all highly appreciated!
> 
> On a side note, I don't live in the states, so I don't know what you people consider cold because we use Celsius and not Fahrenheit. But here, in Canada, the start of "cold" is like -10 C or more, and we get snow. Lots of it sometimes. So if my weather description isn't accurate, this is why.
> 
> Also, if you think there is too much crying going on, let me know and I'll tone it down. I'll just say right now, I kind of have a thing about men crying; and with Axel....well, I'd love to see him cry.


End file.
